I've Got Mail
by Dark Patrician
Summary: What else could have been in the cube from "The Doctor's Wife"?  What new adventures could the Doctor have gone on?  Why are you bothering reading the summary? Its a short, fast, funny read, go for it.


_Recently I watched "The Doctor's Wife" and thoroughly enjoyed it. Thank you to Neil Gaiman for writing it. Anyway this came about after reading a couple of sweet little one shots where the cube's message could have come from people who were close to the Doctor in the Classic series. This is my answer to it._

The last TARDIS in the known universe, forever in the form of a magical blue Police Box, floated in space ready to begin another adventure. Without warning, a glowing white cube emerged from the Time Vortex within feet of the ancient machine's door. The cube accessed its communication subroutine to project its presence to the occupants within in the most logical fashion…knocking on the TARDIS's front door in the style of "Shave and a Hair Cut.

"What was that?" Amy asked.

"The door," the Doctor replied, " a knock."

"Right, We are in deep space" Rory said disbelieving at the whole situation.

"Very, very deep," the Doctor agreed. The cube knocked again in the style of 'Shave and a Haircut.' "And somebody's knocking," the Doctor added with a gleeful undertone. The cube knocked three times slowly and the Doctor opened both doors. His eyes widened and a small smile formed on his face. "Come here you scrumptious little beauty,"

The cube zoomed straight past him and circled the TARDIS console, startling his companions. It hurtled right back into him, smashing right into his chest and knocking him down.

"A box." Rory stated in disbelief.

"Doctor... what is that?" Amy asked cautiosly.

The Doctor sat up on his knees, clutching the little glowing box firmly and gleefully.

"I've got mail!" he exclaimed excitedly.

"What?" Rory asked.

"It's a device that the Time Lords used to store messages." The Doctor explained as he spun the cube around in his hands, before stopping and staring deep into it as if he was reading it.

"What does it say?" Rory inquired.

"I've been preapproved for a credit card," the Doctor replied happily.

"What?" both Amy and Rory asked in disbelief. Before the Doctor could reply, a repeated incessant knocking started. The Doctor bolted toward the door gleefully, like a child on Christmas morning, and flung open the doors, only to be immediately buried by a wave of glowing cubes.

"I've got mail!" the Doctor cried out muffled by the cubes. "A lot of mail."

After digging the Time Lord out of the heap of cubes, Amy, Rory and the Doctor began the task of gathering the cubes and placing them into the reader. With each new cube, the Doctor's face lit up as if he was opening a present.

"It's the last issue of Sonic Screwdriver Aficionado! I've wanted to read this forever. 'The Red Settings and How to Use Them' this will come in handy."

"Oh, for only five thousands credits I can tour the Eye of Orion in a hot air balloon…I should take you both there some time, Tegan called it 'Earth after a thunderstorm'" the Doctor reminisced.

"Who is Tegan?" Amy asked, but the Doctor either ignored or didn't hear her as he grabbed the next cube.

"A medium pizza with all the toppings for one thousand credits at Olyseti's Famous Pizza Parlor."

"In just three standard weeks you can add six inches to your…height." The Doctor's eyebrows rose after the word 'your' and quickly finished the sentence. "Don't need that I'm big…er tall enough."

"Riiiiight" Amy said disbelievingly as she passed a new cube over to the Doctor. The cube lit up and began projecting a variety of Time Lord hats overhead.

"A catalogue from the Galifreyan Haberdasher, look at the hats!" The Doctor's eyes were wide as he looked at all the different styles.

"Why are they wearing such funny hats?" Amy asked. The Doctor paused as he looked in the air and then answered. "I have no idea." Before anybody could add anything, the Doctor's hands grabbed onto another cube.

"It's a summon for Jury Duty…oh, wait I can't do it, it's my own trial." The Doctor threw the cube away, intending to dispose of it.

"Wait, why were you…"

"Long story, best left in the past. Oh, it's a birthday card, from the Corsair! Oh he was one of the good ones, could regenerated into either sex. Hell of a bloke and a bad girl! Had the same tattoo in every regeneration, said without it he didn't feel like himself or herself. Happy 900th Birthday, oh isn't that nice. 'Oh, what a blessed day; when the doctor stopped to say, 'Oops, I dropped him on his head.'"

"That explains everything," Rory said teasingly to his wife.

"Doctor, did you ever regenerate into a woman?" Amy asked curiously.

"What? No, just the Corsair, he or she was just that special. Although, I did have this odd dream where I was on some planet named Tersurus and the Master was there and he had breasts or what he called etheric beam locators, but the weirdest part…"

"Weirder than the Master with breasts?" Amy asked.

"For some reason my ninth regeneration looked like Rowan Atkinson." The Doctor finished.

"Mr. Bean?" Rory asked in shock. "You regenerated into Mr. Bean?"

"Not Mr. Bean, Rowan Atkinson. And then apparently I tried to save the universe and died a few more times and then I looked like Hugh Grant, and I died one more time and then I was a woman. Then I woke up." The Doctor explained nonchalantly, he grabbed another cube. "'Theta, you still owe me those fifty credits. Drax.' I forgot about that."

"Lose fifty pounds on the all food pellet diet."

"Oh, a free test drive of a Mark 15000 TARDIS…" the Doctor began when suddenly the TARDIS shook violently causing the cube in his hands to fall out and bounced toward the TARDIS's door which opened and closed spontaneously. "Oh like I really could have used it," the 11th incarnation snapped sarcastically.

"I think we'll just leave the two of you alone," Amy said suddenly not wanting to get in the middle of a fight between a Time Lord and his machine/companion/well Amy didn't want to think about what else the two might be. The red haired companion grabbed her husband and sped off toward their room, leaving the last of the Time Lords to argue with a silent last of the TARDIS's.

_Perhaps the weirdest of all my Doctor Who one shots…it started as just spam and junk mail and then I started adding references and well, here we are. Thanks for reading._


End file.
